4-28-08 (roughly a week and a half before the Champion's Belt begins)

 Fharlanghn...thank you so much for watching over me on my journeys, and thank you even more for granting me the power to watch over others on their journeys.  I have been thinking on the divine energies to which you grant me access, and I am delighted to report I have found even more ways to shape these energies, be it to accelerate healing, or hasten my footsteps to the side of a fallen ally or an advancing foe.  I know you are probably already aware of this, but I wanted to express my gratitude at both the strength and flexibility of your blessings. 

I am overjoyed to discover that I already posess the amount of focus needed to expel the Kyuss worms from a host's body.  I knew it would be within your power, but I honestly wasn't certain it would be in mine.  I worry, of course, about the spiritual repercussions of the experiments we conducted, and I knew even before we began that we would be putting Croi in an extremely uncomfortable situation by using animals.  Fern wanted to use willing people whose families we compensated for their sacrifice, and I wonder if I hurt her by sounding so horrified at that proposal.  Her argument, I think, was that a human can be willing, but an animal can't give or withold consent.  There's a good amount of logic to this, though I wonder if she would have been as ready to use an elf?  I don't feel comfortable talking to her about these things, since there's so much contention in the party so much of the time, and she's such a good and constant friend in so many other ways....  Anyhow, I feel sick inside about using those animals, but we have GOT to be prepared, because our enemies are certainly going to be.  Fharlanghn, was it wrong to use them in that way?  I know Croi gave them the most respectful rites he could, and I'm certain we're all aware of how indebted we are to the simple rats and goats that may have helped us protect a whole city from an undead plague.  I'm glad we were straightforward about it this time...I've been feeling like a deceitful hypocrite ever since that poor cow Filge just had to experiment with.  Learning about the silver weakness was worth it, though, right?  Maybe not; this time, though, I'm much more aware of what spells are at my disposal, and in what ways your blessings might best be called upon.  Filge burst out laughing in this almost manic kind of way after it was suggested that we use humans; I guess even he was feeling a little guilty about what we had done earlier to a food animal, so hearing other party members suggest using humans as subjects was too absurd.  I can't really blame him. 

I wish I could understand the obsession with expressing disgust at Filge's necromantic focus of studies.  I have put some thought towards it...is it a fascination with death, for which the others feel ashamed?  Are they hoping to provoke him into retaliating in some way, thus "proving" what a terrible person he is?  Fharlanghn, he is such a strong man, he has endured so much, and still struggles to do the right thing.  Please bless him with the strength to continue his journey, even when the others make it so difficult for him.  He still seems to look to me for approval or disapproval of most of his actions, though of course he doesn't say so.  When Fern offered to take a Kyuss worm into her body, I initially took his rejection of the idea to be a sign of affection for Fern, which was quite touching, but was it in actuality just "trying to get back on my good side" since I had gotten upset at him for wanting to use himself as a test subject?  Fharlanghn, I hope my ongoing interest in this situation does not make you feel like I am wasting your time, like you're some sort of cosmic journal for me to confide in, but, given that all journeys are within your realm of influence, I am hoping that a journey of the soul is of interest to you as well.  I surely can't talk to anyone else about it, given their sometimes blinding hatred of necromancy. 

I've observed that your teachings are notably silent on the matter of animating the dead or otherwise working with negative energy.  Given this, I have to allow for the possibility that I may one day encounter a fellow worshipper of yours who commands the undead rather than destroying them, and thus I must assume you find this practice acceptable.  I understand that there are about as many viewpoints on what is and is not acceptable as there are people on Oerth, but what I have found in relatively short supply are articulate and concise reasons for coming to these conclusions.  It occurred to me, in a quietly stunning moment, that I could use your power to animate the dead if I so chose.  The idea repulsed me, and gave me a bit of a thrill, that I, who once waited tables and hid in the shadows on the way home from work to avoid being noticed by drunken ruffians, could command forces such as this.  Of course, in the same instant, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread, not unlike that which I sensed in the presence of Zyrxog's tainted treasures.  To animate the dead is an evil act; why, then, would you allow it?  To interfere with another's journey is one of the few taboos you seem to have, and it would seem that interference with a journey of the soul would be the ultimate act of sacrilige.  I say this, knowing full well that I initiated discussion and research related to infecting creatures with the Kyuss worms, and even demanded, after finding several cures for the condition, that we produce a full-fledged Spawn of Kyuss to study.  Again, you do not withold your blessings from me, so I must assume you at least do not actively disapprove of this activity.  Does this mean that the creation of undead truly does not interfere with the soul, just as Filge has claimed all along?  There is still so much I do not understand, even as my connection to you deepens.

And, even this, I hope is not a lie.  I know I am growing more adept at shaping spells and mending wounds, but in other ways, I feel more confused than ever.  Is it wrong to interfere with someone's path if you believe it is a path that will be harmful to them or others?  Is it wrong to deny another that learning experience?  Fharlanghn, I become so afraid sometimes, that I will not know good for what it is, and I will strike it down when I should be lifting it up, and I also fear that I will not recognize evil for what it is, and that I will be undone by it.  I'm growing more and more confident in my ability to distinguish the two, but it is still so hard to know what is right.  I feel like everyone is counting on me to do the right thing, and the best part about following your teachings is also the most frustrating part, because it doesn't condemn me for acts that might be heretical in other faiths, but neither does it instruct me on how to nurture goodness and banish evil.  Fharlanghn, I swear to you, I am not complaining against you, but try as I might, I cannot solve some of the most serious problems our group has encountered.  I would honestly probably not have thought myself at all up to the task if you had not considered me worthy of channeling your power.  What role am I to play in all of this?  Is it pure coincidence that I now have the skill and talent with which to battle the forces at play in the Age of Worms?  Is it simple happenstance that you granted me access to your healing magic just in time to spare Filge's life?  That Fern and Thomas have made it through certain battles with only the life energy remaining that I had bolstered in them?  I believe you are guiding me, in your own way, but do you understand how agonizing this is?  I want to be comforted by your words, or spurred to action, or warned against ethical errors, but your teachings are so vague, it seems like I could rationalize them to justify virtually any actions that I saw fit to undertake! 

Please forgive me for my shortcomings and lack of understanding...I am trying to understand what it is that I stand for, and what I stand against, and I know this is a quest that I must ultimately take on alone.  And yet, even as I say that, I know it's not entirely true, because it is my interactions with others that I feel strengthens me most.  Fern has been through so much more than she deserves, and she still has the will to keep striving for what's right.  Thomas has been told what is right for him for so long, he may not even know for himself who he is, and yet he has been a powerful ally.  Filge's presence in my life has blessed me in so many ways I can't even name them all, but suffice it to say, his confidence in me, alongside his willingness to let me be human, has given me solace when I could not find it anywhere else.  I...I think I'm getting better at finding that solace in myself, which...is good.  I am beginning to realize how much he needs me, too. .... ....Anyway, the point is, helping my friends through their struggles and crises helps me understand who I am.  I don't know if this is a clerical power or simply my idealistic imaginings, but I think I can see the goodness inside people, too.  It's...amazingly fragile, sometimes, and I marvel at times that the world hasn't shattered it completely.  I don't understand it yet, but it seems like if you can find even one little corner of their hearts that harbor this light, then there's still hope.  Love seems to have a lot to do with it, though maybe not every time?  See, this is one of those things where I wonder if you and I will be able to continue our journey together.  I don't know if you would tell me to help them strengthen that goodness, or if there are some people who should instead follow a darker path?  I don't know, I would like to think you would agree with me, but then that feels a little silly, trying to persuade a god...

Vincent.  Oh, Fharlanghn, what can be done for him?  All he wants to do is be "normal," or is that the opposite of what he wants?  To be cleansed?  I think he would have really benefitted from Father Wierus's sermons back in Diamond Lake, even though he viewed them derisively.  To mortify your own flesh to seek penance for your sins...how is that any different than him trying to bleed out his fiendish blood?  Here's my thought: he has to want to change.  If he hasn't found a "cure," he doesn't want it badly enough.  Oh, damn, damn...that's not fair at all, I can be so judgemental sometimes...  He wants to fight monsters, and this is how he's going to be redeemed?  There is something wrong here.  I don't know exactly what, but if my interactions with priests and gods - yes, even you - have taught me something, it's that true salvation cannot possibly be that easy.  I want to hold and heal and protect, but sometimes it is a time to vanquish and destroy.  It is hard for me to accept this, but I am slowly learning that this is true.  Vincent seems all too eager to kill, kill, kill the evildoers, but how is that going to help him?  Is Ehlonna really sponsoring the summoning of demons?  That seems so unlikely.  I wish I could just reach inside him and heal whatever it is that weighs so heavily in his heart, but what will he have learned?  He seems so earnest in his desire to do good, but does he even know what that means?  Does anyone?  He has attracted the attention of the Herald of Hell, Fharlanghn, HEXTOR.  If Hextor wants him so badly, it just seems that much more important that we keep him free of that influence.  This, too, confuses me...Kendra and Garras willingly serve a god known as the Champion of Evil, but they are not raving lunatics, they are a devoted couple (yes, I know, it's an open relationship, but you're neutral, you're not gonna condemn that, right?  Yeesh, I really hope not...), honorable combatants, and even quite fun to be around at times.  Are our friends evil because they serve a force of tyranny?  I feel like I should guide them away from that path, because they are really so nice in so many ways, but they have not been tricked or coerced into it that I can tell.  Can I in good conscience interfere with their rational choice?  I have so many questions, and I'm not trying to get you to solve all my problems with some divine bolt of inspiration or something, but there's just so little time to work it all out, and there's so many levels to every matter we encounter, and I feel like we're so alone sometimes, our little band, and no one seems to be able to offer a true helping hand.  Bless Eligos and Allustan for trying, but I'm not expecting too much from these contacts...when has anyone been able to really bolster our cause in recent memory, besides us?

 Gah, I've gotten off on a tangent again, back to Vincent.  Fharlanghn, I believe I should support him to the best of my ability in overcoming his fiendish transformation, and I am willing to do so, even at personal cost, and I believe Fern feels the same way, though she may not be able to fully express it.  Please, PLEASE, Fharlanghn, if this is a matter of good and evil over which you have no jurisdiction, I beg you to guide us to someone who can set us on the right path to helping him.  If you can advise us, please do so, and I swear I will do as you ask, even if it is hard for me to understand your reasons.  I will act swiftly, or I will wait patiently, whatever is the proper course of action, just please help us free our friend from this curse he has brought upon himself, and help us to guide him down a path of ever greater self-knowledge and understanding of his own heart and desires.  I believe that purging the devil-blood from within him may only be window dressing on the matter, and that he must somehow reject the evil within him fully.  I do not know how to go about doing this, though, and I fear we may not have much more time to deliberate on this matter.

Your presence has been a comfort to me, Fharlanghn, and I feel that I will shortly come to understand your will.  If you truly have no opinion on a matter, I understand you have your reasons for that.  We must all choose our battles wisely, so we have the strength for the ones that are of greatest importance.  If you feel it is not your place to offer advice or guidance on the matters I put before you, please, then, let me know if you would be offended at my seeking guidance elsewhere.  You put me in touch with the magic of healing and creation, and I do not believe any can truly usurp your place in my heart, but I implore you to have understanding of my situation.  I must gain greater understanding of good and evil, both, if I am to take my place in stopping this Age of Worms, and though your balance has taught me much about seeing many sides of an issue, I fear that empathy without the knowledge necessary for good judgement may paralyze me at a critical moment, or worse yet, put me into the hands of those who would end the world as we know it.  I love you, Fharlanghn, and every day I try to be a credit to you.  Some days, I even think I succeed.  Please hear my prayer, and please, please answer.  Please give me just a bit of guidance, so I may continue to show others the way. This is my prayer.

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