Age of Worms Adventure Path

(Kendra and Filge had been drinking heavily, and Talin put the mostly-unconscious necromancer to bed. Later, Talin is awakened from a nap of her own by a light knock on her door)

Talin: (blearily) Hmm? Kendra, if that's you, the door's unlocked. (rubs her eyes) Although, I guess if you're a crazed murderer, the door's still unlocked. (starts putting on her boots) Well, come on in, so I can either tuck you in or kill you, respectively.

Croi: (to Bastian, with some surprise) Oh, you do have a sword, don't you?

With a Name Like "Furpotia," What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Dan, in regard to the "healing" house lady: She took six ranks in Crazy. Unfortunately, she took no ranks of Heal.

Hiring Practices

Thomas: (to Mistwall guard) Yay! You have legs!

Guard: ...

Arijen: That was quite rude.

Thomas: The other guard, no legs...I thought it was a thing.

Thomas: Magic can fix anything.

Fern: Magic can NOT fix everything, Thomas!

Thomas: What magic can't fix, money can.

Kendra: What about magical money?

Thomas: Ohh, that creates nothing but trouble.

Bastian: Maybe we can make friends with him...

Thomas: You can't "make friends" with him. He's undead! He's immune to mind-affecting spells.

Bastian: Talking, Thomas. Tal-king! Being nice and making friends, not controlling minds with magical spells!

Thomas: ... ...You can do that?

(Back in their inn room, Bastian hastily puts away his numerous disguises, including women's clothing, while Fern looks on)

Bastian: I swear, it's only for undercover operations...

Fern: (moves closer to him, smiling) Well, now we've got another undercover operation to do.

Bastian: Oh? What's that?

Fern: (facepalm)

Bastian: Oh! Undercovers! Right! (dives into bed)

Spire of Long Shadows

Treesong: Are we in direct sunlight?

Brandon: We're indoors. Also, it's night.

Ben: Potato, potahto, I'm on top of a table.

Talin: Fern...do you want to resurrect Filge's rug?

Fern: ...A little bit, yeah...

Best Quote Ever, Re: Worm Nagas

Liam: It's a big, fat slug. I can hit it. It's not even like a regular naga, spindly with a big head. It's like fighting a potato.

A Gathering of Winds

Single White Bard Seeks Traps, Hook-ups...

(Bastian has recently joined the group, and has professed that he can aid Talin in detecting traps. Recalling how heavily trapped the other portion of the Whispering Cairn was, Talin gratefully accepts. So the two of them crawl around on their hands and knees, Bastian in his tight leather pants, Talin in her tight leather everything, and...the character's players keep rolling very low numbers. In fact, they each roll the same low numbers. Travis rolls a six, Courtney rolls a six, Courtney rolls a 4, so does Travis. The party waits with increasing impatience, until Arijen notices Bastian's eyes are roving to cleavage more times than not.)

Arijen: Bastian, a word.

Bastian: Go ahead.

Arijen: (sternly) Over here.

Bastian: Aww...

Arijen: (off to the side, but not quite out of earshot) Perhaps you would be able to identify traps more easily if that is what you were looking at.

Bastian: But-

Arijen: Eyes on the traps, Bastian. Floor, walls, door. Not...other things.

(Bastian sulks back over to Talin, who is now blushing in minor embarrassment, and the two make a big show of keeping their eyes off each other. The dice roll splendidly from that point forward. :) )

(Later)

Filge: (arms crossed, looking annoyed) Talin, are you sure this guy's helping you? You've disabled traps just fine by yourself up 'til now, and a fair bit faster, at that.

Talin: (gently) Yes, Filge, he really is. He's pointed out things that I would have missed otherwise. You weren't with us when we explored the first part of the Cairn. The traps here are really serious, and it's good to take our time and be extra sure about them.

Filge: Sure, whatever.

(watches Bastian and Talin crawl around each other for a couple more minutes)

Filge: Are you sure he's helping?

Talin: Filge, yes. He is.

(watches a bit longer)

Filge: (muttered to no one in particular) I don't think he's helping...

Fern: Everyone here is either nobility or pudding!

Steve: Make a Swim check.

Brandon: Or what, I drown?

Steve: Just give me a roll.

Brandon: (said as he rolls the die) So what happens if I roll a 1 on the Swim check? (die lands) ...Because I just did.

Champion's Belt

05-04-08

Croidhamsa: Are you familiar with baboons?

Fern: (plaintively, to Talin, in regard to a badly burned cake) Can you heal it?

A New Line of Work

Fern: So...you've been making posters for the Games?

Orin: (with obvious pride) Yes, that has been my most recent work.

Fern: Have you had to paint any pictures of undead-spewing monsters?

Orin: (greatly confused) Uh...no...

Fern: (cheerfully relieved) Okay, just checking!

Hobbies

Filge: I may read trash, but at least I read.

Vincent: Why read when you can kill things?

Fern: You're your own man now, Filge. Smenk was holding you back. You were his pet necromancer.

Filge: (wryly) Yeah, now I'm your pet necromancer.

Vincent: Not really; we don't actually let you do any necromancy stuff.

Filge: Man's got a point.

It Is or Isn't a...Aww, Never Mind...

Croi: I've heard legends of an Oak King. I could be the Oak King.

Talin: (helpfully) I've heard legends of a Monkey King. You could be the Monkey King.

Filge: (barely supressing a snort) Oh, yeah, that name's the best one yet, you should pick that one, it's a winner...

Croi: (grinning) I could be the Lizard King.

Thomas: (likely missing the reference) Well, you'd need some sort of lizard motif, like a hat made out of a lizard or something. Now where could we find a lizard...(his eyes wander to Insight)

Croi: No.

Filge: Ooh, Fern's got a lizard. (points to Threshk curled up on Fern's shoulders)

Thomas: Yeah, Fern, you'll have to let Croi borrow your lizard.

Fern: Threshk is not a lizard, he is a mighty dragon.

Thomas: You mean pseudodragon.

Filge: Yeh, it's right there in the name.

Thomas: Not really a dragon.

Filge: He's like an almost-dragon. Almost, but not quite.

Talin: Guys...

Thomas: Maybe one day I can turn him into a wyvern, which is a little bit less of a non-dragon than he currently is.

Fern: Threshk is a dragon, and he's the nicest dragon I ever met, AND I need him for my costume. I'm the Scorpion Queen, he stings like a scorpion?

Talin: Aww, he'll be the cutest little scorpion ever, won't he?

Thomas: But not a dragon.

Threshk: (telepathically to Fern) WHAT are they talking about?

Fern: Don't worry, sweetie, they're just saying things that are very, very stupid.

Croi (to a newly-Awakened Insight): I suppose it may have been better when you couldn't understand the banter.

Insight: Yes, it is a bit unsettling...

Hall of Harsh Reflections

Croi: I've grown disenchanted with wolverines since the...incident.

Fern: I can almost see your point, minus the sacrilege.

Courtney: So where am I in relation to the brains?

Thomas: If he refers to him as "Master," it's not much of a partnership. It's more of a minionship.

03-02-08

Heartfelt Request

Fern: (stepping outside Magic Circle vs. Evil centered on Filge to investigate any abjuration auras affecting her person) If I start acting really funny...Filge, come close to me.

Magic Circle vs. Comfort

(The party argues in favor of waiting out the duration of the Dominate Person effects, rather than spending a couple hours finding someone who can break the spell. Talin disagrees.)

Talin: As eager as I am to camp next to the gigantic pillar of evil and recently occupied spawning pool, perhaps we could find a less revolting solution?

Can't Argue With That Logic

(The party explores a long hallway in which they find a marble frieze depicting all the races of the world kneeling before an army of illithids on a world with a blotted-out sun. Fern is still invisible from earlier scouting.)

Talin: Oh, wow.

Croi: (still in baboon form, gives a screech of righteous indignation, and begins attacking the marble representations of the mind flayers in earnest with his greataxe.)

Talin: I had read about them wanting to do this type of stuff, but I guess I hadn't really believed it...

(Croi continues to attack wildly in the background)

Fern: (nodding sagely) It's kind of like Thomas's ambitions.

Thomas: I'm right here!

Fern: But, you can't see me.

(Croi lets out a dejected baboon sound as he accidentally chips the face off a depiction of a human instead of an illithid.)

Plan B

(In the illithid's treasure room, Fern tries to surreptitiously remove one of the items from a glass case. Alas, in doing so, she only draws more attention to herself.)

Filge: What d'you 'ave there, Fern?

Fern: (hides the object behind her back) Um...nothing. (nods vigorously)

Croi: It's probably not nothing if you're hiding it.

Fern: Oh, um, nope, it really is nothing.

Talin: (kindly) Come on, Fern. Just let us see what it is, okay?

Fern: Okay...(displays the item to the group: it is a voodoo doll of a girl that looks strikingly similar to Talin, full of pins.)

(collective gasp)

Croi: Why would he have that?

Fern: (matter-of-factly) To bring ruination and misfortune upon Talin.

Croi: Oh...

Filge: (leaning forward to examine it) Oh wow. (pulling out a pin) These are from a barbed devil. Flayer really knows 'is evil outsiders... (shrugs, replacing the pin. )

Fern: Don't put it back in there! (carefully and quickly removes the needles)

(Talin, still stunned, accepts the doll)

Talin: How...how do you suppose it works?

Fern: (examines the item with Detect Magic) It curses your very existence, with its very strong necromancy magic.

Talin: When you say "very strong," you mean...

Fern: I bet it has even more magic than Thomas. (checks Thomas's aura) Yep, it's stronger. Also, Thomas? Why are you under an enchantment spell?

Talin/Croi: WHAT!?

Thomas: ... ....

Talin: Well?

Thomas: I was working on Plan B.

Talin: And just exactly when did you plan on telling us that your mind was being controlled by the EVIL ILLITHID WE'VE BEEN FIGHTING?

Thomas: ... As soon as I came up with a plan B.

It Is Or Isn't A Vrock

(Fern has cast invisibility on herself and scouted ahead to the illithid's treasure room. She rolled a 1 on her Knowledge: the Planes check to identify the statue in the center of the room as a vrock. Still invisible, she returns to describe the room to the party.)

Fern: And there was this stature of, um, obsidian maybe, and it was of this really icky creature with a beak, and hooked talons, and these drippy, weird wings...

Talin: (rolling a decent knowledge check) That sounds like...a vrock? Is that right? I'm thinking vrock for some reason.

Filge: (rolling a nat 20) Yeh, that's definitely a vrock. Nasty demonic buggers.

Fern: No, it wasn't a vrock. It was all creepy and looked like it couldn't possibly even survive, like some kind of mutation.

Talin: So, what do we know about fighting vrocks?

Fern: It wasn't a vrock!

Talin: (sighing) Okay, what do we know about fighting...whatever type of creature there's a statue of in the next room?

Filge: Well, if we do have to fight 'im, there's likely to be a lot of 'im. Mirror image sort of power. Also, electricity won't damage 'im.

Talin: Lovely, because the only thing better than a vrock is lots of vrocks.

Fern: I'm telling you, it's not a vrock! It was too drippy and shiny -

Talin: Fern...was it shiny because it was a statue of polished stone?

Fern: ...

Talin: So, anything else we should know about vrocks?

Fern: It's not a vrock!

Filge: No, it's pretty much a vrock. Actually, it's too bad there aren't more of them. You could see 'em dance.

Talin: They dance?

Fern: Maybe it is a vrock.

Filge: Yeh, whenever there are, oh, three of 'em, they do this evil kum-ba-ya thing, right? All hand in hand like, caperin' about, evil an' happy as can be, until finally, they release this huge blast of energy -

Fern: I don't think you really know much about demons.

Filge: I bloody well do!

Fern: Have you ever kissed a demon?

Filge: Whu-? That doesn't...

Fern: I have kissed a demon. (nods emphatically) I know more about them.

Filge: I wrote a thesis paper on vrocks!

Talin: Really? Like, really?

Fern: I'm rolling my eyes...

Talin: For what class? Demonology or something?

Filge: Anatomy & Origin of Extraplanar Entities, actually.

Talin: Huh. Why vrocks?

Filge: Dunno. Seemed interesting, I s'pose...

Fern: (impatiently) I'd say raise your hand if you know it's not a vrock but you couldn't see me raise my hand.

Epilogue

(some time later, after Talin has disabled the magical trap tied to the demonic statue)

Fern: I'm glad we didn't have to fight that vrock.

Talin: ... ...me too, Fern.

Read "What If the Vrock Had Been Summoned"

Encounter at Blackwall Keep

Fern (to Hordkhen the black dragon): Do you play you-chess?

Vincent: It's a dragon, not a bloody tourist attraction!

(while talking to Hordkhen, the dragon's desire to eat Fern was mentioned. Vincent commented lewdly under his breath that he wouldn't mind doing the same, which Chaim overheard. Concerned about Vincent's apparent cannibalistic tendencies, the somewhat naive, but well-intentioned, Chaim questioned him about the statement.)

Vincent: Ahh, well...you know what I mean...

Chaim: No.

Vincent: "Eat her"? You get it, right? Not really like gobble her up, but, you know...

(Chaim stares)

Vincent (taking a deep breath, and throwing his arm around Chaim's shoulders): Well, y'see, it's like this: There comes a time in every man's life...hmm, no, no, I was barely more'n a boy when I first...There comes a time in every male's life...no, tha's not right, either. I've known plenty of women who also enjoyed... There comes a time in every person's life?

Chaim: Vincent, what are you trying to say?

Vincent: How can you not know what I mean? A man and a woman...? Haven't you ever had your nob hobbed!?

(Chaim returned to the sleeping area shortly thereafter, blushing furiously, refusing to speak to anyone, and pulled his covers all the way over his head before falling asleep)

Thomas: I shall inform the people of Diamond Lake that a demon walks among us.

Chaim: Why would you do that!?

Thomas: Because A DEMON WALKS AMONG US!

Thomas: And if you became an only child, you could have all of your mother's...love? Dragons can love, right?

Fern: Have you considered a career in agriculture?

Fern: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, you there with the club...

Three Faces of Evil

Filge: Not to nitpick, but weren't we gonna leave one of 'em alive?

Chaim: Yeah! Get some answers out of them!

Croi: I think the most important thing we could get out out of them were their lives.

Ben: Does her action precede mine?

Treesong: That depends...is your action dumb?

Croi: Filge has never cast Grease on a rope I was standing on...

Croi: (looking sadly up a steep incline) I should have learned to climb.

Chaim: You should summon a billy goat.

Thomas: You should summon a dire billy goat.

Whispering Cairn

Things That Couldn't Possibly Come Back to Haunt Us

(while watching Owly the Owlbear tear apart yet another whole chicken)

Sorin: (Fondly) Aww, you're going to make such a fine killer one day, yes you are!

The Innuendo Begins

(Thomas has been storing all the loot in his cramped upstairs bedroom at Allustan's, and now wishes to pass out shares of the wealth on an individual basis. He is, however, quite oblivious to the alternate interpretation of his wording choice.)

Thomas: Fern, I want you to come upstairs with me. Alone.

Fern: Umm....

Thomas: It's okay, this is a good thing. Ask Talin, she's already been up to my room. She knows exactly what I'm talking about.

(Party stares)

Talin: (furious blush and facepalm) Yes...that's true, Thomas, but...

Fern: (looking less than reassured) Uhhh...

Thomas: (leading Fern upstairs) I have something nice to give to you, but I need to do it in private.

(Fern says nothing, but her hand casually drops to her spiked chain)

Comments (3)

Dunno if anyone but me reads these, but try to stay in the old html mode for editing this page, or it messes up the links to the different adventures. I don't know why, so if anyone can enlighten me/fix the problem, I'd be a very happy deviant.

The new format for editing lets us switch back and forth easily between HTML and the normal interface, so the problem is no more. Thanks for pointing that out, Tree!

I read them!

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Age of Worms Adventure Path

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Courtney! said

Courtney! said

LivioRoxas said

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